June27
As a mother, you always want the best for your child, and when it comes to MILK, you are told “Breast is Best”. It boosts your newborn’s immune system, all the nutrients are there, all the water she needs is there, and its convenient. No bottles to sterilise, no need to check the temperature, and no need to worry about how much to feed her.
Every mother has a different experience when it comes to breast feeding. Even with each child, the experience is different. What I know most is that you’re meant to enjoy the experience, and it is meant to be a positive one. So far in the past 20 days of my breast feeding experience, it has not been quite as positive.
While in hospital, Missy C had not put on weight on her 2nd weigh in. She was then introduced to a few replacement formula milk. It was thought that my milk had not come in yet but when I expressed, I was able to get out a good 60mls, and so it came down to Missy C. We had troubles with her attachment and she kept falling asleep on the breast and she was feeding on the boobs for abit over 1 hr. So to push her weight gain, I expressed milk and fed her from the bottle.
When we got home, I thought that expressing was a great idea. Afterall, I had all the gadgets to get milk out. I have an AVENT manual pump. It was great for the first fews days at home but after a week it went downhill. Missy C fed for 30 mins on the bottle because she kept falling asleep. It took a good 15 mins or more to burp her, and it took me about 20 mins to express. Then I had to make sure I cleaned, washed, and sterilised the pump and bottles, and doing this every 3 hours, I only managed to get around 1 hour sleep between each feed, it was really taking a toll on me emotionally and physically. Each time I expressed, it felt so unnatural and mechanical. There was definitely no bonding experience by the time I fed her.
Each morning however, I persisted with feeding her from the breast. But each time, it was like a struggle between me and her. It was like we were fighting. She’d attach and then pull away. Attach and then pull away, and I felt so rejected. I was physically tired from “forcing” onto the boob, and this really … crap! So we began with a few feeds on the formula and it was helpful. I was able to get some rest while someone else fed and burped her, but I was feeling so guilty and torn that she was not drinking breast milk. In particular, with the swine flu crap that has been happening, I was really torn and it was really doing my head in that she was partly on formula. So as much as it was helping, I was constantly worried and unsure.
Anyway, when we saw the maternal nurse, she had a look at Missy C’s tongue and suggested that perhaps, her small tongue tie was affecting her attachment. This was a relief to hear. “Its not my fault then”, I thought and well once we get this tongue business sorted with, we can go back to breast feeding. We had it cut, and she attached beautifully a few hours later. YIPPEEE!! … Not quite. Because I had already slowed down my production of milk from the formula replacements, I was not making enough milk, or so it seemed like it. After a good 20 mins on each breast, Missy C would still be crying, hungry for more milk, and we still had to top her up with formula. I tried expressing just so see how my milk flow was, and first I expressed 50mls, and then at the next, only 20. This was devastating. I tried massaging, I drank a crazy amount of Fernugreek tea, I tried getting her on the breast more often. Still… not much milk. THIS FEELS CRAP. Its like I just can’t satisfy her. She wasn’t sleeping well because she seemed constantly hungry and was feeding almost every 2 hours if I didn’t top her up with formula milk. I couldn’t help topping her up, because even when I put her on the breast, she’d suck and then get agro and frustrated not getting anything for it. Then she’d cry… and so would I.
Now she’s on the breast at every 3 hours which is encouraging, that perhaps, my milk is increasing. BUT… now… I think I have thrush. The pain in my breasts is unbearable, like I’m passing razors through my nipples, when she first attaches and also during, and even after. Its seriously worse than labour. I can’t handle it. The pain, the emotion, the guilt, the worry… Sorry Missy C, but for my sake and your sake, I don’t think I will be breast feeding anymore.
